Guest Post Written by a Parent in Our Community
Several years ago, my husband and I found ourselves in unchartered parenting waters. Having already raised two children to young adulthood, we were caught by surprise with our son Drew’s teenage years.
Growing Worry – and Growing Distance
It was a tumultuous time. We stood by helplessly, watching our son form friendships and make decisions that concerned us. We witnessed the rising tensions in our family dynamics. As months became years fraught with arguments that drove a wedge between us and Drew, we realized our long-term relationship with him was at risk.
Parenting Without a Playbook
We used every tool in our parenting toolbox. We gave him space, and we spent more time with him. We gave him more freedom, and we tightened the reigns. We read books. We prayed.
Yet, we continued to watch Drew pull away from the core group of friends he’d had since childhood and spend more time with others. We worried about the choices he was making regarding alcohol, girls, and marijuana.
At the suggestion of my own therapist, we began family therapy at Cabush, Paul, and Associates. It was there that we and Drew were able to come together each week and speak candidly and honestly in a neutral, safe space – something we could never have achieved on our own, but was so needed if we wanted to get our relationship back on solid footing.
The Gift of Investment
One of the best pieces of advice I got through therapy was to continue to invest in Drew.
Invest our love. Invest our thoughts. Invest our values.
Even when it seemed pointless. Even when Drew continued to make choices that hurt us. Even when he shrugged off our attempts to connect. Even when we weren’t seeing the results of those investments—and might never see them pay off in the way we hoped.
And so, we did. Not knowing what the future might look like, or if any of our “investments” would ever have a positive impact on Drew or our relationship with him. We loved him and spent time with him even when it was hard. We shared our thoughts and values. We modelled the behaviors we hoped he would return to.
Something Shifted
With time, we saw the seeds of maturity start to grow. There were fewer arguments. Better choices. Less tension.
Fast forward to a few years ago, when I asked Drew how his friends were doing, and he told me he really didn’t hang out with that group anymore. I gently pressed, “Really? Why not?” He shared that in time, he realized he didn’t really have much in common with them, and he’d rather hang out watching sports or playing cards with his childhood friends, who were now young adults themselves.
You’re Not Alone
I’m sure I am not the only mother who has found herself in the situation we faced with Drew—a teenager experimenting with people, decisions, and actions that didn’t align with our value system, but knowing that, short of locking him up (which was destined to backfire), ultimately, we had little control.
While not all stories may end the way ours did, our “investments” (along with the passage of time) eventually paid off.
Keep investing. The returns are uncertain, but the reward is worth the risk.
